Today is a Fk the world day. Truly.
I feel for the tradgedy unfolding the world over, I really do….but emotionally I’m on rations and I have been for a couple of years now. I can’t let the madness of the world consume Me because if I do, I can’t do what I need to for my girls.
And that is not to say, always doting on them and being creative, sadly it actually means keeping track of what is happening for each of them, communicating with each of their care teams effectively, monitoring for storms to bring in help soon enough but not too soon that they don’t have a chance to practice stumbling first.
Enduring the long drawn out court attendences over the last 2 years. Each one wearing on my body a little more than the last sometimes multiple appearances a week across 2 courts.
I am tired and you know what? I have reason to be tired. It is entirely and absolutely justified. I am just the other side of the hardest couple of months, couple of years even and we landed at a sprint straight into the next stage of paperwork and processes.
I lay in bed tonight watching the ceiling, unable to sleep. I spent another day in court. They begin to resemble ground hog day, I feel like I am repeating myself over and over again.
Yet again the Magistrate assures me that the IVO which has remained unserved for over a year, one reached by consent, continues to protect us, While police continue to say while unserved it isn’t in effect.
My body is tired, I am tired, pain from my neck to my toes, barely shuffling to and from the bathroom, while waiting for the swelling of the day to peak and subside.
Jac and Jamie were particularly clingy and needing my attention tonight but tonight they could not have it. I was warding space around myself as I moved through the house trying to avoid the slightest bump. There are dream catchers waiting to be hung, printing wanting to be done, today is not the day. Today was waged just one battle of a decade long war that is nearing the end, they are in retreat, we must endure if ever it is to cease.
We are Bad Ass as Jamie puts it. She wrote this on our kitchen whiteboard just to let us know how Bad Ass we really are.
I am where I need to be doing what I MUST DO. But for now it is time to rest before the next thing, so that this thing can be completed that we can face the next.